With everything going on lately, change has been top of mind. For those that know me, change is not something I am really fearful of as I enjoy learning and being challenged (just ask those who have followed my career:)); however, as a type A individual, I also like change to happen quickly in one fowl swoop…but as they say, change does not happen over night. This phrase plays like a tape recorder in my head day after day, as a reminder of sorts (does anyone remember what a tape recorder even is any more? I suppose I should refer to some fabulous iphone App like voice to text that is supposed to keep from not texting while driving (I have improved dramatically) and therefore not crashing my car, but I digress). I watch my children intently as every moment is a moment of change. This comes with good and bad, as I am so present that I catch so many new things, but it comes with it’s share of hurt as I sit with therapists day and after day and listen as they tell me of the mini-steps of progress so that I can stay in the trees, for actually seeing the forest is decidedly overwhelming and a bit scary. Yesterday, as we sat with both E & Q in our living room as E was evaluated for speech therapy services. Each time we go through this process it’s a bit like ripping off a band-aid. The standardized test questions come as the therapist looks at E intently. We answer them each time reinforcing her developmental status. I often feel like an over-anxious child as I try to buffer each statement of fact with the hopeful prognosis and developmental achievements and progress she has made in the past months. ultimately, these evaluations always turn to Q as well. As he tries to find his more solid footing for his ever improving walking skills, the question comes with concern about his not walking yet. We explain the size of his head and that he is ever so close, but the concern on her face cannot be missed. This progresses to the next obvious place, his speech. We tell her he has about 25 words but of course on this morning, at this time, he won’t use them to clearly demonstrate to her that we are not non-observant parents who have channeled and pinned all their hope and fears about their baby girl onto their baby boy by being convinced he is ok.
These moments are always just a snapshot in time…which I know and accept, but they don’t change the fact that as I sit on the floor or on the couch I find myself sad for a moment. Worried about the need to be more worried. But then my head and heart meet and remind me, that I do know my children better than anyone and that I will do as I always do and watch them to ensure they get whatever they need for their development. So with that, I am making a small change today. I am going to call Regional Center and ask for a speech evaluation for Q as well. For me it is a small change in that I want to be as optimistic as possible and open as possible to exactly what I tell everyone else. If there is the slightest question, then my instincts are speaking to me. So my change today is to take my own advice and act on it. It’s a bit scary because I don’t know what I will find out, but in the very grand scheme of things, how lucky are we to have this opportunity to have our babies and to be able to get them the services they need.
So for those of you thinking about change…more to come on this topic this week…here is a little diagram (for the record, I love diagrams, if I could have that whiteboard wallpaper in our new house, I would, but KSP wouldn’t think it was design friendly so it’s probably a no go:)) to help give you some inspiration to take whatever step big or small that takes you in the direction that you need or want to go. Changes good and bad and big and small can all be the ones that put you on the path to ‘newfavoriteday’.