Do overs, hope and a new path.

“Where hope grows, miracles blossom.”~ Elna Rae –

As I sit here now nearly 39 weeks pregnant, yes, nearly 39 weeks…I am finally breathing again.  Figuratively and sometimes literally, I held my breath for 38 weeks.  And then last Wednesday, I hit 38 weeks. Until that day, each day leading up to this point has been a point of reflection on my first go around at having my precious E and Q, which we all know didn’t go so well.  Each week became a mile marker of what I knew the development of a baby to be outside the womb.  Each week a battle to not let Baby M be a preemie.  To grow her safely inside me beyond even the 37 week premature  marker so that her whole being could develop inside of me. Each week and routine decision loaded with a sense of responsibility and a hum of anxiety.

Now,  at 38 weeks and 4 days pregnant, my sweet baby M has fully functioning lungs and heart and brain. She has the ability to simultaneously suck, breathe and swallow. She can regulate her own body temperature, oh, and did I mention, she is a BIG girl.  Nearing 8 lbs and continuing to grow.  She will look like a baby. A baby who is ready to enter the world, and hopefully, if all goes well, a baby who will ride down the hospital elevator in a small old fashioned navy blue carriage with me in a wheel chair by her side to the parking garage. KSP will pull the car around and we will put her in her car seat to take her home with us. If everything goes smoothly and “normally,” she and I will have the moment that I walked past countless times each day for 4 months that I went to visit E and Q in the NICU the first time around. Countless moments of sadness and most often tears engulfing me as I longed to be those families, and those mothers.  Now, I may just get the chance.  A do over.

Our sweet baby M has given us all a do over.  A way to heal that we could not have embarked upon without her own fight, determination and decision to join us. Admittedly, it was a long road for me.  To see our family as one of 5 and not as 4, but today, at 38 weeks and 4 days, I am excited. Excited to meet her. Excited to welcome her. Excited to be uncomfortable in my body and “ready.”  Excited to push myself to go out for a walk so that I will hopefully motivate her to the next phase.  Excited (finally) to have perfect strangers make silly and kind comments about the very burgeoning belly.  Just excited.

Each moment starting 4 days ago has given my heart and spirit a much needed do over.  It has freed the deepest part of my soul to hope in a new way.  Hope,  in a way that brings light and fresh air with no presence of the familiar cobwebs of fear. Hope in a way that gives us a new path on this journey. At 38 weeks and 4 days pregnant, it’s hope in our new little girl that has reminded our whole family  that our miracles continue to blossom and that while we cannot always see the path ahead,  love and hope have taught and will continue to teach us all that each day can truly be ‘anewfavoriteday.’

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11 thoughts on “Do overs, hope and a new path.

  1. Shannon, you continue to amaze me. I’ll be holding you close in my heart and mind over the next few weeks. Many blessings, Kasey

  2. It’s so true! God gives us what we NEED, not necessarily always what we want, but sometimes the two co-exist. You needed this to go smoothly, and prayers have been answered. I’m so happy for your, Shannon, and I can’t wait to see the pictures of you holding your precious new little life in your arms, healthy and happy. Much love (crying happy tears, too). XOXO-Kasey

  3. Congratulations to you, I’m so late to this, I hope all is well and you haven’t posted because you are busy with a new addition to your life.

    1. Thank you! Yes, so busy, but she is a little miracle. I will post about it, but really just enjoying her at the moment. Oh and adjusting to our new life with 3 minis and how it all works together. It’s always lovely to see you and I need to come over as well. I have just been really off the radar which I am sure you can understand. x

  4. I would truly love a do-over. But the fear and concern that a next baby could be even earlier (plus the factoring in of two first-trimester losses), and I’m not sure I can handle the emotions that might allow me the chance to attempt again. I would love a do-over for pregnancy, for birth, for breastfeeding.

    It sounds like you are getting that. I hope baby M’s birth and “normal” babyhood is just the tonic you need for your soul. Congratulations on making it to full-term!

    1. I totally hear you Heather. I felt very much the same and your experiences were so so so very difficult. I can absolutely understand the fear in the experience of trying again. Baby M is a little miracle that I didn’t even know I wanted and she fought to be here, so it wasn’t my choice which ultimately worked out better and as you say was just the tonic i needed…big hugs to you.

  5. I’ve been wondering how you guys are doing. So glad your enjoying your quiet family time. I love the name. That has been my favorite name since I was a little girl and if I ever had a girl that would be here name. Can’t wait to hear more…xoxo

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