“Self-trust is the first secret of success, the belief that if you are here the authorities of the universe put you here, and for cause, or with some task strictly appointed you in your constitution, and so long as you work at that you are well and successful.” ~ Swami Kriyananda [J. Donald Walters] (born 1926)
As I type this post, I am not even sure what the title should be. I am struggling for the exact right point of entry to my own thoughts. My mind swirls with thoughts and my heart with emotion as I look for the confidence to say what I want to say about trusting yourself, your instincts. About not letting yourself succumb to “mommy guilt,” or for those that experience any of the other countless descriptions of guilt for any small infraction or perceived slight against someone else or even yourself.
Guilt is a powerful emotion that can make us do things we might not normally do, and prevent us from doing others, but in almost every scenario of guilt, if you stop for a moment and listen, a combination of your head and your heart will tell you what’s right for you. If you listen you can feel it speaking to you and encouraging you to trust the your inner voice. Some may take this deeper and combine it with faith, others may simply view it as instinct and as usual, I am going to just write what I am feeling and keep my focus on overriding guilt.
For every mother who has gone off to do something for herself fun or work-related, or parent who has taken one child out for special time and left the others at home, you know this feeling. For every child who has not gone to visit a parent as they try to manage their own life as an adult you know this feeling. For every person who has stayed in a relationship longer than they should or not acknowledged one they should have stayed with, it’s all the same. The battle of head/gut and heart and you know this feeling.
As Q and I sat next to one another on our plane ride back from visiting Aunt D, Uncle T, Special K and Bman, I am grateful I listened to my inner voice and made our reservations for just the two of us to go back East on our very special trip. For weeks leading up to our trip, I was sad and anxious. Every time I talked about going, I had a feeling of guilt and a twinge of sadness at leaving E and M behind, most specifically, E. Like Q, she had never met her cousins. She had never been to see the snow. I volleyed back and forth with the ” this is good for just Q and me to do together as we don’t get much special time,” and “if E was the same as Q in her abilities,” would I take her? An unfair and yet ever so predictable question. The vision of Q and E in my mind as they toddled through an airport with their names on their backpacks when I first found out we would be having twins would sneak into my mind and sit there quietly while I processed my feelings and thoughts. And then the reality of the situation would settle over me, and thankfully, my instincts seem to have a very strong opinion and like a bull in a China shop would bust into my reverie and shout that I cannot not think that way!
I need to reshape the vision to me and Q having a blast as we ride on the plane in eager anticipation. As we hold hands in the airport. As we greet Aunt D and his cousins at the curb. As I watch Q and Special K rile one another up to the point where we as “adults” have to intervene. Where the 4 of us have a sing a long to Frozen’s “Let it Go” and find out the even 14 year old Bman is super excited about “Frozen.” Where Q, Special K and Uncle TJ head off to the movies all bundled up and talking like little adults. These are memories I am not only giving him, but giving me. I am doing something for us. Something just for him that gives him his place outside of his sisters.
Now, that we are home and settled back into a routine, that trip feels like months ago. Life goes so fast and he is already different from he was on our special trip. My inner voice knew this. That we must take these moments in time and listen to a combination of what our hearts and head tell us. I am so so so glad I did listen and trusted myself because he has told me that this was what he needed. When I asked him last week if he remembered our trip and if he had fun, he said “yes, mommy.” And, when I asked him what his favorite part was, I expected him to say, playing with Special K, or going to Chuckee Cheese, and instead he melted my mind and heart with his sweet voice saying, “it was being with you mommy.” Chalk one up for listening and self-trust. Each time I listen I am further reminded of my purpose. The purpose of guiding my minis as they grow as people. The purpose of having them know that I love them beyond the Universe and that I am constantly striving to give them what they need as individuals within our own unique context of family. Taking this moment of acknowledgement and allowing that to make today “mynewfavoriteday.” I hope you will do the same. No matter what the issue, easy or difficult, there is a reason we have this voice, and while it might not always make perfect sense at the time, eventually when you can piece it all together, it very well may feel as if somehow you had a crystal ball and help reinforce or clarify your own purpose.